So, are you glad you woke up to watch that? I sure am! (*SARCASM KLAXON*)
In honor of the team's second-half performance, this will be shoddy, done with minimal effort and will be second-best to anything else you read about the game. That said:
1. Call it sour grapes if you want, but I would dearly love to hear the explanation from Stevie Wonder and his dipshit AR as to how that wasn't a foul for Chelsea's first goal. Poor old Hector Bellerin is lying there concussed on the floor with cartoon tweetie-birds circling around his head, and it doesn't occur to anyone that perhaps there was some foul play involved. Okay. This is why I'm a huge proponent of these guys having to face the media after matches.
Look, all I'm saying is that the last time I saw a flying forearm that good, Tito Santana won the WWF Intercontinental Title.
2. The thing is, even at halftime I thought we were reasonably at the races, and desperately unlucky that we were down 1-0. Alex Iwobi was dangerous in particular, and there were moments where we were swarming all over them. It's weird to say it now, but I'd argue that we were fairly decent in the first half.
Now, normally teams get a boost after halftime, when there's a moment to adjust to in-game events and a chance to remind the team what they're playing for. I don't know what was or wasn't said in that room during the interval, but this was not a club prepared for the second half. It was astonishing.
3. Sidebar: Has anyone seen this man?
If found, please return to:
Mr. A. Wenger c/o Arsenal Football Club
Emirates Stadium
Hornsey Road
London N7 7AJ
United Kingdom
4. It will get lost in the shuffle somewhat in the midst of our horrendous defensive play, but we did have some chances. Thibaut Courtois wasn't massively troubled over the 90 minutes, but I do half-remember one classy full-extension diving save (if you're looking for specifics, you'll have to look elsewhere - I'm on two hours' sleep and crabby AF). The one thing I remember Ozil doing was holding onto the ball way too long, then taking a slow-dribbler shot on goal that Courtois could have saved in a chaise lounge. Oh, and Shkrodan Mustafi missed a wide-open header on the back post.
So yeah, we were appalling on defense, but the finishing was no great shakes either.
5. Speaking of - I present to you "Francis Coquelin on Chelsea's Second Goal - A Short Film".
Bloody hell, you had ONE JOB, mate. Any defensive midfielder should know enough to take the yellow card there. Literally anyone. I mean, Laurent Koscielny didn't cover himself in glory in that passage of play either, but Coquelin failed at the only reason he's anywhere near our first team.
6. Since we're savaging individual players, it's worth mentioning that this was Petr Cech's worst performance for us by astronomical units. Leaving the UFC stylings of Marcos Alonso aside, Cech probably should have had a strong enough hand to tip that over the bar in the first place. Or, if you find that uncharitable, he recovered and got back up to his feet on that at roughly the pace of glacial erosion.
The second one wasn't his fault per se, but he didn't make himself all that big on it, either. That's goalkeeper union nitpicking, but still.
The third one, though. Woof. If you told me a week ago that we'd get the high-water mark for goalkeeping comedy this season, my first reaction would have been: "Oh god, what did Claudio Bravo do this time?" Someone on a forum I post at remarked that it looked like he had just given up, and I'm inclined to agree. The whole team wasn't ready to play in that half, and the ultra-casual pass that led to the goal is indicative of that.
7. Of course it had to be Cesc Fabregas who got that gift from Cech, too. Because, well, fuck our lives.
8. The comedic stylings weren't over there, though. Olivier Giroud and Danny Welbeck damn near collided with each other in the penalty area during injury time, and hell, I almost wish it had happened. All we needed was "Yakety Sax" and an underwear chase scene, and that second half would have been a top-notch episode of the Benny Hill Show.
9. Ollie's goal was nice, though. Funny how we picked it back up once there wasn't a milligram of pressure. This team really is tissue-paper soft.
10. Basically, this:
Man of the Match: Eden Hazard
In honor of the team's second-half performance, this will be shoddy, done with minimal effort and will be second-best to anything else you read about the game. That said:
1. Call it sour grapes if you want, but I would dearly love to hear the explanation from Stevie Wonder and his dipshit AR as to how that wasn't a foul for Chelsea's first goal. Poor old Hector Bellerin is lying there concussed on the floor with cartoon tweetie-birds circling around his head, and it doesn't occur to anyone that perhaps there was some foul play involved. Okay. This is why I'm a huge proponent of these guys having to face the media after matches.
Look, all I'm saying is that the last time I saw a flying forearm that good, Tito Santana won the WWF Intercontinental Title.
2. The thing is, even at halftime I thought we were reasonably at the races, and desperately unlucky that we were down 1-0. Alex Iwobi was dangerous in particular, and there were moments where we were swarming all over them. It's weird to say it now, but I'd argue that we were fairly decent in the first half.
Now, normally teams get a boost after halftime, when there's a moment to adjust to in-game events and a chance to remind the team what they're playing for. I don't know what was or wasn't said in that room during the interval, but this was not a club prepared for the second half. It was astonishing.
3. Sidebar: Has anyone seen this man?
If found, please return to:
Mr. A. Wenger c/o Arsenal Football Club
Emirates Stadium
Hornsey Road
London N7 7AJ
United Kingdom
4. It will get lost in the shuffle somewhat in the midst of our horrendous defensive play, but we did have some chances. Thibaut Courtois wasn't massively troubled over the 90 minutes, but I do half-remember one classy full-extension diving save (if you're looking for specifics, you'll have to look elsewhere - I'm on two hours' sleep and crabby AF). The one thing I remember Ozil doing was holding onto the ball way too long, then taking a slow-dribbler shot on goal that Courtois could have saved in a chaise lounge. Oh, and Shkrodan Mustafi missed a wide-open header on the back post.
So yeah, we were appalling on defense, but the finishing was no great shakes either.
5. Speaking of - I present to you "Francis Coquelin on Chelsea's Second Goal - A Short Film".
Bloody hell, you had ONE JOB, mate. Any defensive midfielder should know enough to take the yellow card there. Literally anyone. I mean, Laurent Koscielny didn't cover himself in glory in that passage of play either, but Coquelin failed at the only reason he's anywhere near our first team.
6. Since we're savaging individual players, it's worth mentioning that this was Petr Cech's worst performance for us by astronomical units. Leaving the UFC stylings of Marcos Alonso aside, Cech probably should have had a strong enough hand to tip that over the bar in the first place. Or, if you find that uncharitable, he recovered and got back up to his feet on that at roughly the pace of glacial erosion.
The second one wasn't his fault per se, but he didn't make himself all that big on it, either. That's goalkeeper union nitpicking, but still.
The third one, though. Woof. If you told me a week ago that we'd get the high-water mark for goalkeeping comedy this season, my first reaction would have been: "Oh god, what did Claudio Bravo do this time?" Someone on a forum I post at remarked that it looked like he had just given up, and I'm inclined to agree. The whole team wasn't ready to play in that half, and the ultra-casual pass that led to the goal is indicative of that.
7. Of course it had to be Cesc Fabregas who got that gift from Cech, too. Because, well, fuck our lives.
8. The comedic stylings weren't over there, though. Olivier Giroud and Danny Welbeck damn near collided with each other in the penalty area during injury time, and hell, I almost wish it had happened. All we needed was "Yakety Sax" and an underwear chase scene, and that second half would have been a top-notch episode of the Benny Hill Show.
9. Ollie's goal was nice, though. Funny how we picked it back up once there wasn't a milligram of pressure. This team really is tissue-paper soft.
10. Basically, this:
Man of the Match: Eden Hazard
